Where Feet May Fail - Tatiana

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

April 11, 2014 was the last day at a company I was with for almost 8 years. I started when I was 21, it was my first “real” job, whatever that means. This place was more than a job, it was family. To tell you it was hard saying goodbye to that part of my life would be an understatement.

My unemployment started, I was excited at what was next: Clean Slate! Fresh New Start! ENDLESS Possibilities! And, to top it off that Summer was one of the best I’ve ever had! I went to the beach more than I have my entire life, I saw my friends almost every weekend, spent my days doing whatever I wanted, It was bliss! I hadn’t had proper time off in years, so it felt like maybe God was giving me these couple months as a prize for all those years of working and going to school full time.  

After Summer comes Fall, though…And Fall, well it wasn’t as fun.

I had been sending my resume everywhere for 5 months, and nothing. My unemployment was about to run out, which meant the little bit of severance pay I had saved up would soon follow. 

“Well, did you pray?” You might ask yourself, and yes I did. Every hour of every day, it felt like. Yet, this was the first time in my life that I felt truly abandoned by God. Surely there is something I am doing that is making it so He can’t hear me. It was a one-way street, complete silence coming from His end. 

Of course I had it all wrong, He had not forgotten about me. It was in my weakness that He was made strong.

 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

The turning point came when my phone was stolen on a Saturday, and the battery in my car died two days later. That was it, I was done. I fell into a deep depression. That kind darkness is oppressive, you feel it everywhere. You isolate yourself from other people because you don’t want to spread your disease.  They shouldn’t have to be subjected to your junk.

On a particularly awful day, I was curled up in my bed, while listening to music and finally did what I should have done all those months ago; I fell on the floor, and wept to my Abba. I let go of all the frustration, anger, and the mess I had been carrying for 6 months. I didn’t filter my prayer; I told Him how abandoned and lost I felt, how unfair this all was, and that I was tired of feeling so empty.

It was as if this was the exact moment He was waiting for. The moment when I stopped trying to figure things out for myself, and laid it all down before Him. As I composed myself, I heard I still soft voice say: “Get Up.” And, as I did Oceans by Hillsong started to play.

I lifted my hands, and prayed those lyrics out loud.

"And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine"

When the song ended, my situation was the same… But, I was different. The dark cloud was gone. He had opened my eyes, and filled me with Hope I thought I had lost completely.  And, reminded me of the simple, yet mind bending truth that I am His, and He is mine.